Grace of a New Born Calf

Grace of a Newborn Calf

I’m a bad girl.

I don’t mean the kind that wears a sexy catholic school girl or french maid uniform that deserves to be “punished.” I mean the kind who can’t tell the difference between lip stain and lipstick.  Using a hair curler is as difficult to me as a grandparent trying to figure out a smartphone (though I end up with a lot more burns). My personal demonstration of grace is eating without spilling, dropping, or slurping anything.

Despite this being a role I was born for, I should be fired.

Now I do own a pair of 5 inch heels. They are these lovely designer dark teal satin numbers with gold rhinestone accents. The fact that I got them at a steal (25 bucks, baby!) makes me especially proud. I absolutely love looking at and wearing them. It’s impossible not to feel pretty in them.

So long as I am standing perfectly still.

The moment I take a step, it becomes a challenge of wills. All focus must be directed to each footfall as I attempt to balance on less than half inch of toe (I have tiny Asian feet). The swan-like ballerina gait that I see other heeled girls confidently perform for hours alludes me. Once again I am reminded why most of my footwear consists of flats. Wobbling around like a newborn giraffe is not sexy.

I once heard that models are required not only to be tall, but to also have at least size 9 feet. It helps them walk in the 5 inch heels easier since they have more foot to balance on. Therefore, I thought it was okay that I couldn’t stride on the catwalk with reckless abandon, nor run like an action movie female love interest. This gave me great solace in my lack of poise, until I saw videos of Asian pop girl groups dancing around in those evil pumps and their stereotypical petite feet. The funk was felt again.

No wonder Cinderella  left her shoe at the ball. Anyone would be eager to kick off high heel glass slippers after dancing for hours. Heck, I would have taken them off well before midnight.

I swear, wearing high heels is like the modern version of foot binding, a process that:

A) creates an erotic walk

B) disables women from being able to move very fast or easily

C) is very painful

If I ever find out who invented high heels, I’m going to bring him back to life and murder him myself. Possibly after I force him to wear 5 inch heels for 10 hours straight.

-Sporadatak

20 responses »

  1. urbannight says:

    You left off D) deforms your feet with long term use.

  2. This is accurate. I’d like to know who invented heels and just stop the whole discovery

  3. Jenna T. says:

    Wow, so true! We are in the same boat though. I can NOT walk confidently in heels.

  4. EccentriKat says:

    I must be a bad girl too, in fact I know I am and almost always have been lol. Against my mothers efforts, I was a tomboy and pretty much still am. I did wear dresses and heals in high school for dances and for JROTC. Those heals were 2.5 inches and after getting used to them, they were manageable. Although walking in them during a two hour parade was not my best memory. The closest I have come to a heel taller than 2.5 in is when I try them on just for fun at the shoe store. Can’t even bring myself to waste the money on all the pretty shoes that my inner goddess would die for. Great post!

  5. ceenoa says:

    Oh I love high heels, love them but can’t wear them. Flats for me. I do believe you are right that men invented heels for men, can’t remember what century though, think it was to keep their clothes out of the mud (or maybe I just made that up). Obviously the women didn’t care about the mud, being too busy doing all the drudge work at that time. When DID women start wearing heels – must ask my good friend Google.

  6. hipsterczar says:

    You knoe what’s funny? I used to teach all my girlfriends in university how to walk on high heels!

  7. I love looking at how beautiful high-heels are, though in reality the beauty equals the pain. I used them on my graduation day 7 years ago to match the beautiful Kebaya I had. It took me few days, to practice walking – in order not to stumble when I had to go to receive my certificate in public’s eyes. I do wear them sometimes now. I still try not to embarrass myself by falling.

    As you mentioned that you wondered who was the inventor of high heels, well they said that it was started in the 9th century by the Persians to help horse riders so their feet didn’t slip forward in stirrups while riding.

    I learnt something today!!

    Nicely written. I enjoyed reading this blog entry.

    xx

    • Thanks for reading and the history lesson!

      I also saw on a documentary that in the 1600s Louis the XIV wore them because he was short. He wanted to appear taller and more regal. It became fashionable for the entire court to wear them. So after 700 years (or longer) they are still wearing them! I wonder what century did men decide that flats were the way to go.

  8. H. E. Lexus says:

    Heels can be just as comfortable as other shoes. Other shoes can be just as uncomfortable as heels are blamed for being. They have to fit correctly. All in all it is a choice to wear them and everyone can make that choice for themselves.
    High heels for ever. 😉

  9. It’s interesting how nobody seems to truly know exactly why high heels were invented, or when or where. I’d heard that they were invented by men (apparently that’s the one thing all theories agree on!) to keep their feet out of the sewage during medieval times. Eventually they started wearing them as a status symbol – the higher the heel, the higher their status in society. I’ve never heard anything clear about when men stopped wearing them or when women started wearing them purely for fashion.

    All that said, I must agree with H.E. Lexus in that heels can be very comfortable, and flats can be very uncomfortable. I had an adorable pair of flats I ended up giving away because they were terribly uncomfortable. On the flip side I have several pairs of 4-5 inch high heels that I adore and can wear them all day long without any discomfort at all. I love high heels, and I love my flats too. I could never choose between the two!

  10. patpatkay says:

    The devil himself probably owns a pair of hot red 8 inch heels. Darn, I can’t even walk in kitten heels!

  11. […] I’m once again reminded how I am a “bad girl.” […]

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