I’m a bad girl.
I don’t mean the kind that wears a sexy catholic school girl or french maid uniform that deserves to be “punished.” I mean the kind who can’t tell the difference between lip stain and lipstick. Using a hair curler is as difficult to me as a grandparent trying to figure out a smartphone (though I end up with a lot more burns). My personal demonstration of grace is eating without spilling, dropping, or slurping anything.
Despite this being a role I was born for, I should be fired.
Now I do own a pair of 5 inch heels. They are these lovely designer dark teal satin numbers with gold rhinestone accents. The fact that I got them at a steal (25 bucks, baby!) makes me especially proud. I absolutely love looking at and wearing them. It’s impossible not to feel pretty in them.
So long as I am standing perfectly still.
The moment I take a step, it becomes a challenge of wills. All focus must be directed to each footfall as I attempt to balance on less than half inch of toe (I have tiny Asian feet). The swan-like ballerina gait that I see other heeled girls confidently perform for hours alludes me. Once again I am reminded why most of my footwear consists of flats. Wobbling around like a newborn giraffe is not sexy.
I once heard that models are required not only to be tall, but to also have at least size 9 feet. It helps them walk in the 5 inch heels easier since they have more foot to balance on. Therefore, I thought it was okay that I couldn’t stride on the catwalk with reckless abandon, nor run like an action movie female love interest. This gave me great solace in my lack of poise, until I saw videos of Asian pop girl groups dancing around in those evil pumps and their stereotypical petite feet. The funk was felt again.
No wonder Cinderella left her shoe at the ball. Anyone would be eager to kick off high heel glass slippers after dancing for hours. Heck, I would have taken them off well before midnight.
I swear, wearing high heels is like the modern version of foot binding, a process that:
A) creates an erotic walk
B) disables women from being able to move very fast or easily
C) is very painful
If I ever find out who invented high heels, I’m going to bring him back to life and murder him myself. Possibly after I force him to wear 5 inch heels for 10 hours straight.